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The Swifts gather at Portland’s Chapman Elementary every fall. They dance together in an acrobatic art display with one neural network guiding them. There is no boss, mayor, pastor, or CEO telling them what to do. They float in complete harmony through three-dimensional space, with no one leading. The ants on the ground below them do the same thing and so does the mycelium in the ground under the ants. The planets and stars above them also float like engineered art by the same dispersed universal laws.
Wouldn’t a source of this be one of love, energy, and shared authenticity rather than a marionette yanking our chains? Generous rather than narrow-minded and punitive? I hope the sacred source you yield to invites all of us to live in limitless love and protects us from exclusion. I believe in an intellectual, emotional, and physical presence expressed through every ever and future existing thing in the universe. We are each unique parts of it and we relate to all the other parts in symbiotic relationships. Like the birds. They follow simple rules when they come together: 1) Don’t bump into each other. 2) Stay in alignment. 3) Stick together. They follow those rules in small groups. But there are multiple links between groups because the individuals in each group are in relationships with individuals in other groups - creating a network that includes every single bird. After their dance, they dive into the Chapman chimney and rest. We are held together by a mysterious but knowable source and we, more than anything in the universe have the freedom to choose how we honor it and each other. But there is a harmonious, beautiful way and a destructive, ugly one. Which pattern shall we follow? I started studying belonging in earnest as part of upstream suicide prevention. I discovered that though all the research says belonging is critical, two things are lacking in most studies: what it is and how to get it. There is a common assumption that we know these things - but we don’t. I think we misunderstand the concept and its importance, we don’t really know how it works, and we are hesitant to try too hard to figure out both. We worry that trying too hard exposes our vulnerability and takes on the desperate tone of the awkward kid asking “You want to be friends?”
I believe our hesitance is part of what turns church into a facade of connection rather than a genuine and truly generative collaboration. The same is true for marriage. The early excitement and fascination of hopeful infatuation turn into difficult and vulnerable work after the showing off is over. It is part of the reason for the separation of personal and professional in workspaces. Building belonging is a painstakingly slow and counterintuitive endeavor in a hyper-individualistic, hyper-independent culture. So we look for a readymade framework that claims to provide it for us. Religion, marriage, work, fandoms, political parties, and other organizations tempt us with membership that includes built-in belonging. With rare (if any) exceptions, belonging does not get built without intentional personal investment and risk. It is a structure - a created and cultivated condition that has to be fought for and protected. If left alone it deteriorates and becomes toxic. Accepting the implications of this truth is the first crucial step towards experiencing the belonging we are desperate for. I’ll share what I’ve discovered about what it is and how to get it over the next few days.
I broke my wrist a couple years ago and learned a lot about independence. I couldn’t tie my shoes or buckle my belt. The nerve blocker I got for my surgery completely paralyzed my arm. I was up all night for fear that I would roll over and break it clean off. I know that’s irrational but I was on drugs. The parts of my body that usually work quietly in a sort of mutual exchange with all the other parts… didn’t. All my internal collaborations had to adapt while healing took place. My wrist was not and never has been independent. Neither am I. Or you. Or any of us.
But this is good news. It means the limits of one human’s mental, emotional, and physical capacity are not limited to the boundaries of their brain, heart, and body. We can, should, and do continually borrow from those we are in relationship with. Like a bicep borrows from the other muscles, tendons, and bones of the arm, shoulder, and back to function at its highest capacity - we borrow from each other to offer our best. We are individuals but we are inTERdependent. This is not just a human thing. It is an everything in the universe thing. Atoms, molecules, cells, bodies, ecosystems, and solar systems. Homosapiens exist because of social integration. When we disconnect, we decay on every level. “Loneliness is one of the most toxic environmental risk factors that we’re aware of in terms of all-cause mortality” (S Cole et al., 2015). This suggests that our culture’s over-valuation of independence is the greatest threat to our individual and communal health. And we know this whether we like it or not. It is why we like to celebrate independence day by gathering together with the people we love. Meleea and I endured the pandemic and the other Tomfoolery by restoring our house. We have redone nearly every surface on our property. After all the remodeling in my career, I have noticed a few transferable principles. One is that structures are living organisms. They are the combined narrative of all the stories of all their parts. Every beam, doorknob, and floorboard was part of something before and came to be a part of its present home by a circuitous route, picking up residue along the way. Their shifting story unfolds when the new structure is first imagined. Every character, problem, and well (or poorly) crafted solution contributes to the story.
Soon after we started restoring the Apiary*, we realized that our 1963 home had endured its own kind of trauma. This changed how we deconstructed - our expectations for the time and complexity of the very varied restoration process, the uselessness of undue frustration, and the interaction of one traumatized part with all the other also traumatized parts. We slowed down and invested in our own healing as we rebuilt. Some parts we replaced with better fitting ones, some we relocated or repurposed, and some that were damaged - we sanded, straightened, and reinforced. Our damaged house became a healing place long before its restoration was complete. There is a pattern of aliveness and healing in built and organic structures - including people. The generative value of every part shows up with good construction. But sometimes we build and care for our structures poorly. When we recognize change is needed, complete demolition is rarely the solution. Slow, thoughtful, loving restoration hears and honors the stories, reconnects, and strengthens. We only heal when we rebuild collaboratively. *Our home’s name is the Apiary because we call our partnership “Honey Bee.” Sweet but stings. I know depression. When JC said, “Depression is your body saying f*ck you,” I understood. In 2012, I told a doctor what I was thinking and feeling and he gave me a prescription. But it was my whole body that was upset, not just my brain and heart. By July 2009, I had logged over three decades of loyal participation in organized religion. It was how I experienced belonging. I felt known and valued in my relationships there. But then I stopped going and my experience of belonging in a religious context evaporated.
I did not react much at the time because I was experiencing belonging rather intensely in some other contexts. But three years later, after gaining momentum in a new vocational direction, I gave a workshop for my old church. Some of them didn’t like it and I was devastated. Right after that, my body revolted. It was a long time before I realized why. I had misunderstood belonging and some of my deepest connections for thirty years. After years of studying belonging and how it shows up in the patterns of nature all around us, I believe negative mental, emotional, and physical reactions are often evidence of mistaken belonging. Belonging is not conferred by human-engineered laws or institutions. It comes from generative cooperation with the natural laws of the universe. We do not belong because of our country, race, religion, political affiliation, socio-economic status, or favorite sports team. We belong when our relationships operate based on mutual exchange and we experience the reality that who we really are is needed. When we try to belong based on anything other than who we really are and how we really fit, our body, brain, and heart will tell us - something is not right. Jim Carey (actor) once said “depression is your body saying ‘f*ck you, I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created. It’s too much for me.’” This brilliant insight holds a big clue about belonging. It is this; if our thoughts, feelings, or behavior is based on anything other than our most true self, we pay a price. Our soul is eroded by the existence of our false self because its nature is to take up the space our true self is supposed to inhabit. So, to whatever degree it exists in or as ourselves, it disrupts our connections with other people in the structure of belonging we discover and build together. Our lifelong task is to learn who we are. Some of this learning needs to be done in the stillness and silence of solitude but most can only be done in the context of relationships. Our true identity is not defined or experiencecd outside of belonging because who we are is for our community. No one’s purpose is to be rich and comfortable. Everyone’s one-of-a-kind purpose has something to do with the generative work that is done in groups. That identity-centric, collaborative purpose can only be discovered through personal, honest, and action-oriented interdependence. It is a paradox. To grow through the darkness that haunts us and drives us into isolation, we must connect. To learn who we are, we must seek the input of others. But there are no “others” who do not also need input. It is reciprocal dependency. Even as you seek out and take the relational resources you need, the value of your true self is needed for others. We are a symbiotic species - just like all the other ones. Every good story has four key elements; one person who is the protagonist, a group of people who are key players in the protagonist’s story, a problem, and a prize if the problem is solved or overcome. Luke becomes a Jedi and defeats the Empire with the guidance of Obi-wan and Yoda and his friends Leah, Han, Chewbacca, and a couple of robots. Frodo throws the ring into the fires of Mordor and protects peace in the Shire (while saving Middle Earth) with the guidance of Gandalf and the other diverse members of the fellowship. Daniel-san finds balance in spite of the Cobra Kai with the support of Mr. Miyagi, the babysitter, and his mom. Maria rescues her family (the von Trapps) from patriarchal authoritarianism and the Nazis by singing fa so la te do and falling in love. Harry defeats Voldemort with Ron, Hermoine, Hagrid, and Dumbledore. Simba becomes a wise king after a meerkat, a warthog, and a monkey help him overcome his self-doubt shame.
In a lot of our own stories over the last few years, our work together on the problem(s) has yet to produce the prize. As someone who works with the younger generation, I have observed that this is particularly true with kids. The statistics, educators, parents, and counselors support this observation. Depression, anxiety, anger, violence, and loneliness are way up. I’ve heard many theories for why this is the case. Mostly centered around the impact of the pandemic. I agree in part. The pandemic provided a pretty potent problem. But I’d like to point out that for the protagonist in the kind of stories we want to read or watch, the problem they are confronted with usually calls forth a positive change that is guided by their community. Whether it’s an evil arch-villain, war, destructive weather, self-doubt, or sickness; the hero gains strength and emerges from the crucible with a boon to share with the larger community they serve. They grow from independent to interdependent. Sometimes from lonely to connected, ignorant to wise, and from beaten down and dejected to strong and victorious. For so many kids struggling to navigate the halls, classes, and social structures of our schools right now, this is not the case. They entered into the pandemic problem and they are still in their crucible because they are fighting a battle with insufficient resources. In particular, they lack examples of and relationships with positive and caring adults. It is not just the pandemic and that they missed a year of “normal” school (whatever that is). It was not just that their social lives suffered, their academic progress was stunted and they spent too much time on their phones or playing video games. All those things are true and the self-aware kids I know would tell you they are definitely factors. But that is not enough of an explanation. This is a complex problem with many complicated interdependent parts. If you are an idealist who believes in the worth and potential of all people, turn your organization into an oasis of health where all participants are trained and empowered to cooperate with and care for each other in their ideal roles.
Mental, emotional, and behavioral health is a product and indicator of social integration. A competitive, authoritarian, top-down hierarchy does not promote healthy social integration at home, at school, or at work. The only thing that cultivates healthy social integration is healthy social integration. Ironically, what we are trying to do in our culture is separate the source of mental, emotional, and behavioral health from the relationships where we spend all of our time. This is eliminating the source of health and the most powerful forces that sustain it from the place where they most belong. Our hyper-independent, overly individualistic, patriarchal culture is subduing and eroding the very source of its power, health, and capacity to not only thrive but participate in its own generative evolution. We are demolishing rather than constructing ourselves individually and as communities. Emile Durkheim, the architect of sociology said 125 years ago, “suicide is a failure of social integration.” By that measure, so is alcoholism, drug abuse, overeating, social media addiction, and domestic abuse. |
Curtis MillerI write in a geeky, sciency, hopefully poetic way about belonging, storytelling, community building, deconstruction and construction, Archives
August 2023
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