How storytelling works

An invitation to participate in a Connect Coalition is also a challenge. This duality is not unique to a Connect Coalition. Every invitation to participate in something you were not already participating in includes a requirement to change if you say yes and the potential that you may miss out on something worthwhile if you say no. There’s no way to guarantee that the change or what you may miss out on is good. The only guarantee with this particular invitation is that you belong. That is the invitation and the challenge - to belong. Your identity is needed. It is of critical value. Your own needs are important enough to be met by your community. And our interdependence constructs a shared identity and a mission that requires all of us to accomplish something important together.

The invitation you have received is to be a part of the living human system in your community in a more intentional way. You will give and receive more benefit if you seek out and deepen the relationships you have and the ones you find opportunity to enter into. 

That’s why it’s called a Connect Coalition. The actual structure of the coalition is connected relationships. What holds us together is not money, not legal contracts, not hierarchical authority, not bureaucracy, not position. The elements of our organic human system are held together by the bonds of relationship. The stronger the relationships are the greater experience of well-being that will flow through them between individuals and into the life of our community. Most of us know instinctively that human isolation is detrimental to our health and relational connection is a boon. 

The Four Elements of Story
The intentional action to take is storytelling in small groups. This effort makes a difference because when we share stories, the character we are in our stories is revealed. Our identity, value, and needs show up in the four elements that make up every story.

1. The beginning character that wants belonging and pursues it by seeking to be, do or have something. 
   
2. Their community - the other characters in the story, including a guide or mentor, that meet their needs, count on their strength, and give them the courage to act. Every character in the story increases or decreases the experience of belonging for the main character.
   
3. The crucible - whatever makes belonging difficult. It’s the people, environment, and insecurity that they must overcome. It is both an obstacle and a refining that brings forth the final story element.
   
4. The changed character - Having survived, conquered, and been refined by the crucible, they are wiser, stronger, and of greater benefit to their community. 
   

These four elements show up in the stories of our lives regardless of how mundane they may seem. It is in the sharing of these stories that we are able to articulate and measure our shared belonging.


The Four Elements of Belonging
Belonging is fundamental for human well-being. It can be thought of as a kind of ownership as well as a sense that one is included and that inclusion is secure. The ideology of family is often used as a comparison. One belongs to a family regardless of belief or behavior. For our purposes, we measure the experience of belonging using four elements.

1. Identity - the unique, intrinsically driven role you play in your community.
   
2. Value - the critical, positive, and irreplaceable benefit of your role.
   
3. Needs - the specific requirements from the rest of the community that you need to thrive and be successful in your role. This is not an indication of weakness, but of interdependence.
   
4. Mission - when the identities of the group start to become interconnected, a unique capacity will be revealed and the active engagement in that capacity will further clarify and strengthen the identity and value of each person and the identity and value of the group. When two or more groups come together for shared mission, the identity of the community is revealed and strengthened. 
   

As these four elements are increased, the experience of belonging and therefore, wellbeing, is also increased. 
Our method for increasing the experience of belonging and thereby decreasing all that comes with social isolation (decreased mental, emotional, behavioral, and even physical health) is storytelling in small groups (2-12 people). The context is small so that all participants have an equitable opportunity to share. Each person both offers story into the shared narrative and benefits from the stories offered by their fellow storytellers. The purpose of this type of story sharing is to investigate, identify, and call forth the identity, value, and needs of each person and discover the mission of the group within their shared narrative.

Ten Questions for Sharing Five Minute Life Stories
(all at once or round-robin but only 5 minutes)

1. Where and when were you born and what was going on in the world?
   
2. What is unique about your family, school, or friend group?
   
3. What were the geography and weather like where you grew up? 
   
4. Describe your culture. Or your first job.
   
5. How did or do you spend your time?
   
6. What’s your favorite book, movie, or song? What book/movie have you read/watched multiple times?
   
7. What were the main events or relationships that shaped you?
   
8. What do you want to be, do, or have?
   
9. What’s your superpower?
   
10. What do you need from the world? 
    

You can really use these questions however you want. Most of the time I facilitate groups, I have people answer all ten questions in five minutes. Third person beware - you will be tempted to go long. Give the first few storytellers a chance to go again as they will have been reminded of some parts of their story. After you’ve made a round, start over with question six and take your time to go through them. Or, follow rabbit trails as they arise. The important thing is to use the prompts to remember and then share stories.
Seven Important Components of a Rich Storytelling Session

1. A shared and enduring reason for gathering together. 
   
2. A setting that allows for intimacy without interruption. Storytellers should be able to see each other and hear well. Humans are one of the only creatures whose sclera (the whites of our eyes) are visible. We can see where we are looking. 
   
3. Minimal interruption and distraction both visual and audible.
   
4. Plenty of time to not feel rushed.
   
5. An attitude of curiosity and compassion on the part of each listener. Engagement without judgment or fixing. Listening fully without preparing a response or a one-up comparison story.
   
6. A minimal understanding of the parts of a story described above.
   
7. Shared food and drink. This lends both rhythm and intimacy to a storytelling experience. 
   

The Four Things You Discover In a Storytelling Session
The practical, measurable impact of a storytelling session shows up in several different ways. When you start a storytelling group, these are the things you’re looking for and working toward. 

1. Commonality of life circumstances, experiences, and perspectives - storytellers discover that they are not alone. In a small group, where even basic details of life stories are shared, people find that they have much in common and they think and feel in similar ways about their experiences. Often surprising life perspectives are uncovered. 
   
2. Relief, a sense of settledness, and hope - when we realize that our stories are interesting to others, that they are curious about us and not being judged or rejected, we feel better about ourselves, more relaxed and expectant that we belong. When we hear the stories of others and find that we have so much of our humanity in common, it is reassuring. For many, it is rare to have this opportunity. Having missed out on something that is so deeply needed means that the pressure that is relieved through human connection has built up. Relieving that pressure can be a powerful healing experience.
   
3. Identity, value, and needs will be revealed for each storyteller as the story listeners become more aware of how their character shows up in the stories they tell. Listening not just to what the storyteller says but hearing their heart, their unconscious perspective, and their response to circumstances uncovers clues about who they are (identity), why they matter (value), and what kind of support they need to be their best self (needs)
   
4. Confirmation of IVN - this is where the paradigm shift happens. This is the experience that is missing in a hyper-individualistic, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps culture. We don’t speak the deep truths into each other’s lives. We are like tribal elders who can see into the soul and name truth with greater authority than any person can do for themselves. Hearing each other’s stories gives us powerful insight. As a group, we can speak encouragement - literally give courage to the strength we see. We also have the power and authority (organic relational authority, not imposed hierarchical authority) to reduce the impact of shame, fear, doubt, and insecurity. The encouragement of strength and the reduction of trauma impact are experiences that are significantly increased when we are part of a group.
   

These are the basics of how storytelling works and why we should care. Right now, we’re considering the parts and pieces so we can see how a Connect Coalition fits together. Later, we’ll explore some of the more salient details and examples. The last thing I want to say is that in the hundreds of storytelling sessions I’ve participated in or facilitated, I’ve rarely come across a person who wasn’t surprised at how much it affected them. Humans need to live out our stories with other humans. It’s just how we are. Western culture does not foster this kind of exchange. A Connect Coalition is about making it normal. 

See what happens if you get a few of your friends together and give it a try.

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