Why share stories?
Stories are the expressed perspectives of our experiences.
We share our stories because they contain the content that reveals our identities, how we fit, what we offer, what we need from our community, and how we are generative together. When we share stories, we share life because our stories are our lives. The materials of our stories is what we use to build belonging
Every story (including the mundane stories of every day of our lives) has a three significant parts:
We share our stories because they contain the content that reveals our identities, how we fit, what we offer, what we need from our community, and how we are generative together. When we share stories, we share life because our stories are our lives. The materials of our stories is what we use to build belonging
Every story (including the mundane stories of every day of our lives) has a three significant parts:
- The character - in the beginning, they want to have, do, or be something for themselves.
- The community - the character is part of a human system that shapes them. There is a guide.
- The crucible - the obstacle to the character's want and adversity that calls forth strength and refines them
- The change - the independent character in the beginning is changed into a greater, truer, interdependent version of themselves by the end with a "boon" for their community.
Sharing stories
Find Your Group
Identify a small group of people who are already in your circle of influence. Ideally, these are people who meet some or all of the FASaG requirements identified in the belonging research of Beaumeister and Leary (Frequency of interaction, positive Affect, Stability, and Geographic proximity). I recommend having people in your story sharing group that you trust - or at least can tolerate without too much strain. Find the sweet spot with people you trust and see somewhat regularly. But make room for people that ruffle your feathers a bit. You’ll be good for each other.
Invite Them One-On-One
Invite them to join you in the adventure. Ideally, this is a series of one-on-one conversations rather than a group email. You can also just invite them to gather. Tell them what you are trying to accomplish and why you are inviting them to participate. Make sure they know what it costs (not money probably) and that you won’t hold it against them if they don’t join you.
Pick a Good Spot to Gather
Set up an environment so that it is comfortable, absent of interruptions and distractions, and includes good food if at all possible. You want to be able to see each others eyes and hear easily. A crowded noisy bar is not great but a back room might be. A living room or a back porch is ideal. And I’m serious about the food. It’s magic. It creates intimacy, rhythm, and an equitable sense of sharing.
Set Expectations
Start out by discussing what you want to accomplish and agreeing on standards and expectations. This isn’t a counseling session. It’s not about fixing each other, just sharing, listening, and helping articulate each other’s experience of belonging. It is often good to talk through creating a comfortable sharing environment - phones, interrupting, sarcasm, open mindedness, etc.
Practice Gratitude
Be grateful. Slow down, settle in, breath, and spend a few minutes at the beginning of each story sharing session talking about some of the things in your life that make you feel grateful. This will orient you to a more coherent state and invest life into your stories. It will also set the time apart from the rest of your busy life. It makes me think about the conversation between Aslan and the cabbie who is about to be king in C.S. Lewis’s “The Magicians Nephew.” The more the cabbie talks with Aslan and considers who he is invited to be, the slower he talks and the more full his voice gets. Gratitude can literally change your biorhythms.
Identify a small group of people who are already in your circle of influence. Ideally, these are people who meet some or all of the FASaG requirements identified in the belonging research of Beaumeister and Leary (Frequency of interaction, positive Affect, Stability, and Geographic proximity). I recommend having people in your story sharing group that you trust - or at least can tolerate without too much strain. Find the sweet spot with people you trust and see somewhat regularly. But make room for people that ruffle your feathers a bit. You’ll be good for each other.
Invite Them One-On-One
Invite them to join you in the adventure. Ideally, this is a series of one-on-one conversations rather than a group email. You can also just invite them to gather. Tell them what you are trying to accomplish and why you are inviting them to participate. Make sure they know what it costs (not money probably) and that you won’t hold it against them if they don’t join you.
Pick a Good Spot to Gather
Set up an environment so that it is comfortable, absent of interruptions and distractions, and includes good food if at all possible. You want to be able to see each others eyes and hear easily. A crowded noisy bar is not great but a back room might be. A living room or a back porch is ideal. And I’m serious about the food. It’s magic. It creates intimacy, rhythm, and an equitable sense of sharing.
Set Expectations
Start out by discussing what you want to accomplish and agreeing on standards and expectations. This isn’t a counseling session. It’s not about fixing each other, just sharing, listening, and helping articulate each other’s experience of belonging. It is often good to talk through creating a comfortable sharing environment - phones, interrupting, sarcasm, open mindedness, etc.
Practice Gratitude
Be grateful. Slow down, settle in, breath, and spend a few minutes at the beginning of each story sharing session talking about some of the things in your life that make you feel grateful. This will orient you to a more coherent state and invest life into your stories. It will also set the time apart from the rest of your busy life. It makes me think about the conversation between Aslan and the cabbie who is about to be king in C.S. Lewis’s “The Magicians Nephew.” The more the cabbie talks with Aslan and considers who he is invited to be, the slower he talks and the more full his voice gets. Gratitude can literally change your biorhythms.
five minute life stories
At your first session, start with Five Minute Life Stories (FMLS). Each person gets five minutes to answer ten prompts. You can skip any that you are uncomfortable with and there is no requirement to share anything you don’t want to share. Go deep or stay near the surface. Keep in mind that if you are leading, however you share will set the tone. Here are those prompts:
Let whoever is most comfortable start sharing first. Someone will be (most comfortable). Someone will (probably) volunteer to be the timer. If you are the third person, be careful not to go long. This is an unusual environment. You are being listened to and probably heard more clearly than usual. No one is competing to tell a better story or judging yours. Curiosity is thicker in the air than normal. Now that I’ve warned you, it probably won’t happen but I can’t tell you how many times, if unwarned, the third story sharer goes thirty minutes without realizing it. Let the first two sharers go again. They will have hurried and forgotten things they will be reminded of as they listen to other stories. Give anyone else this happened to a chance to fill things in.
At the end of a five minute life story, it helps if the story sharer says something to indicate they are done. Nothing complicated - “I’m done,” or “that’s all I have” works fine. Those listening thank the story sharer, everyone takes a collective breath and a pause and then the next person goes.
Round Two, Three, and So On
For round two of story sharing, there are a couple options. The first is to pick one of the common subjects that came up during five minute life stories and give each person a chance to share a five minute story about that. Maybe you all really got into sharing about the food you ate as kids. If that was the case, you could share stories about a special meal preparation or a family recipe. If you are a group with people who are all in the same job, grad program, cause, or hobby, you could share stories about what drew you into that shared interest.
Ask curious questions (not concerned ones) and satisfy the dopamine hit that comes when you find out that someone else grew up in your town or watched the towers come down while they were getting their kid ready for the first day of kindergarten just like you did. These things are deeply satisfying to learn about in more detail and it will build stronger connections within the group. Google together what was going on in the world the decade you were born if you didn’t know. Some of those commonalities could be the subject for the next round of story sharing.
The second option is more Five Minute stories based on the last five prompts from the Five Minute Life Story. The idea of five minutes may be loosely held at this point. However, it does alleviate pressure because it’s a short time period and it also helps prevent interruption and judgment. The time boundary creates a container that holds the story and protects it from getting thinned out from too much expansion or picked over from too much access. Discuss the benefits of the five minutes and then let the group decide. Also, as the group gets comfortable and the articulating starts, it’s ok to ask more questions and get more details from the storyteller - as long as they want to share.
More Five Minute Stories
Early Articulation
If your group is comfortable with it, the story listeners can start offering any positive comments that come up. These are about what inspired them, what they respect about the sharer, or a characteristic that stood out. This is the beginning of articulating belonging and it will continue throughout the sharing and culminate at the end. Here are two documents I use during the articulation process. The first is a list of 100 character traits. The second is a list of famous characters. The third is a map of the Enneagram.
Listen Well
During the story sharing, if you’re not talking, and only one person should be, you’re just listening. With your body (open posture, facing storyteller), your head (nods and tilts) face (smiles, grimaces, jaw drops and light-ups), eyes (squints, wides, eyebrow raises, and maybe some tears), ears (unless you can wiggle them, they should do their thing without any movement) and some small, quiet hums, ahs, wows, and maybe a slightly louder what?!? or two. I hesitate to say this because I don’t mean Fonzi but be cool. Sometimes people say shocking things or things you disagree with or would judge if you hadn’t left your judgement in the garbage can on the sidewalk outside the building on the other side of the street. For this to be a safe place, your reactions need to be supportive (not condescending) and curious. No advising unless it is explicitly asked for. And even then, anything extensive should be saved until after story sharing to protect against it becoming over focused on one person.
If I was going to boil this down into one thing, it would be curiosity. Authentic curiosity will animate your body right, orient your emotions, eliminate judgement, and target your thinking on the story teller rather than you. The words that come out of you, even if they are awkward or misspoken, if you’re truly curious, will be heard in a way that is beneficial. Just be curious. Everything else will work itself out.
Hope, Help, and Strength, Not Sad, Shock, and Trauma
In all the stories we share, there will be sadness, shocking parts, and traumatic parts. But those are not the focus. They serve as a platform for our strength, our resilience, our anti-fragility. Our difficulties show who our community is and how we are interdependent with them. They reveal our character as we are tested and refined by our crucible. Some things do great damage and require time and active work to overcome. But we are not defined only by the bad things that happen to us and the damage they do, we are the result of the work we have done and are doing together in order to heal and grow. Nothing happens and no one grows without adversity. In sharing stories, we obviously need to include the parts where we have been wounded, broken, abused, and disappointed. Sometimes because of our own decisions or mistakes. But since we are focused on knowing ourselves and our adversity is only a part of us; and since this opportunity is not for counseling or fixing, follow the 10/90 rule. Ten percent of our story is about the trauma (if it’s a story where trauma is involved) and ninety percent is about the healing, learning, and strength that produced the changed character and their boon bestowing ability.
The Magic of Good Food and Drink and Environment
Eating is the second most intimate thing we can do with other people. It is intimate because like procreating, eating and drinking are crucial to the survival of the human race. It’s also an instinctive bodily function. There are other bodily functions we could share but, at least in my culture, we don’t. For both of these kinds of intimacies, environment matters. Twinkly lights are better than flickering fluorescents. Wood is better than drywall. Jazz or acoustic background music is better than factory or traffic noise. Comfortable chairs and beautiful furniture is better than milk crates. A campfire, a back patio, a road trip - all good. To be clear, the environment can be a multitude of styles if it matches. Some of the best storytelling I’ve experienced has happened in shops and garages around tools and motorcycle projects or on constructions sites. But these don’t work as well if the storytellers are not specifically connected to that environment. It can’t be faked.
If the connections are strong enough, then stale pretzels, lukewarm Foldgers, and folding chairs in a musty basement can be overcome. But poor environments make our bodies, hearts, and minds work to overcome our defenses and distractions. Comfortable environments rich in warmth and beauty calm us down and open us up to connect more deeply.
I repeat and expand on this recommendation at the end of this section because I think it’s far more important than we give it credit for. It’s a physical action that represents the internal shift we are trying to make. If you plan your story sharing group to happen around excellent food and beverage, it will produce a better result than if you don’t. I tell people this all the time just to see them nod absently and reserve the board room. As if to say, “that would be nice but we don’t have time for that” - or “that’s just not how we do it here.” And that gets to the central point of belonging and storytelling. We need to make time to change the way we do it because how we’ve been doing it is the problem. For all our sakes, for organizing our system, and for the relief of our anger, anxiety, and depression, if we are going to do the good work to share stories to build belonging - let’s do it with a glorious taco buffet and Cadillac Margaritas on the back porch under dangling Edison bulbs.
- Where/when were you born and what were the news headlines of your childhood?
- What is/was unique about your family, schooling, friend group?
- What were the geography and weather like? Urban/suburban/rural?
- Describe your culture/race/ethnicity. Are there particular foods or traditions?
- How did you/do you spend your time (vocation, hobbies, causes, etc.)?
- What’s a favorite book/movie/story? Who is the character you like most and why?
- What were the main events/relationships that shaped you into who you are now?
- What do you most want to be, do, or have?
- What’s your superpower? (or) What do you have to give to the world?
- What do you need from your people to make your superpower more super?
Let whoever is most comfortable start sharing first. Someone will be (most comfortable). Someone will (probably) volunteer to be the timer. If you are the third person, be careful not to go long. This is an unusual environment. You are being listened to and probably heard more clearly than usual. No one is competing to tell a better story or judging yours. Curiosity is thicker in the air than normal. Now that I’ve warned you, it probably won’t happen but I can’t tell you how many times, if unwarned, the third story sharer goes thirty minutes without realizing it. Let the first two sharers go again. They will have hurried and forgotten things they will be reminded of as they listen to other stories. Give anyone else this happened to a chance to fill things in.
At the end of a five minute life story, it helps if the story sharer says something to indicate they are done. Nothing complicated - “I’m done,” or “that’s all I have” works fine. Those listening thank the story sharer, everyone takes a collective breath and a pause and then the next person goes.
Round Two, Three, and So On
For round two of story sharing, there are a couple options. The first is to pick one of the common subjects that came up during five minute life stories and give each person a chance to share a five minute story about that. Maybe you all really got into sharing about the food you ate as kids. If that was the case, you could share stories about a special meal preparation or a family recipe. If you are a group with people who are all in the same job, grad program, cause, or hobby, you could share stories about what drew you into that shared interest.
Ask curious questions (not concerned ones) and satisfy the dopamine hit that comes when you find out that someone else grew up in your town or watched the towers come down while they were getting their kid ready for the first day of kindergarten just like you did. These things are deeply satisfying to learn about in more detail and it will build stronger connections within the group. Google together what was going on in the world the decade you were born if you didn’t know. Some of those commonalities could be the subject for the next round of story sharing.
The second option is more Five Minute stories based on the last five prompts from the Five Minute Life Story. The idea of five minutes may be loosely held at this point. However, it does alleviate pressure because it’s a short time period and it also helps prevent interruption and judgment. The time boundary creates a container that holds the story and protects it from getting thinned out from too much expansion or picked over from too much access. Discuss the benefits of the five minutes and then let the group decide. Also, as the group gets comfortable and the articulating starts, it’s ok to ask more questions and get more details from the storyteller - as long as they want to share.
More Five Minute Stories
- Five Minute Book or Movie Story: what is a book or movie that really captivates you? What characters in the story do you relate to or like and why? What are the lines you quote?
- Five Minute Key Events Story: share a story about an event in your life that shaped your identity as the character in your story.
- Five Minute Key Relationships Story: share a story about a relationship(s) in your life that shaped your identity as the character in your story.
- Five Minute What You Want (Identity) Story: Share a story that illustrates what you want to have, do, or be and how important it is to you.
- Five Minute Superpower (Offer) Story: Share a story that illustrates how your superpower shows up in your story. This might be a story about when you discovered it or one about you offering your superpower to your community.
- Five Minute What You Need (Take) Story: Share a story that illustrates what you need from your community in order to make your superpower as powerful as it can be. Keep in mind, this is not about a weakness, it is about how the puzzle piece of you, fits with the other puzzle pieces that make up your community. Need ≠ Weakness.
Early Articulation
If your group is comfortable with it, the story listeners can start offering any positive comments that come up. These are about what inspired them, what they respect about the sharer, or a characteristic that stood out. This is the beginning of articulating belonging and it will continue throughout the sharing and culminate at the end. Here are two documents I use during the articulation process. The first is a list of 100 character traits. The second is a list of famous characters. The third is a map of the Enneagram.
Listen Well
During the story sharing, if you’re not talking, and only one person should be, you’re just listening. With your body (open posture, facing storyteller), your head (nods and tilts) face (smiles, grimaces, jaw drops and light-ups), eyes (squints, wides, eyebrow raises, and maybe some tears), ears (unless you can wiggle them, they should do their thing without any movement) and some small, quiet hums, ahs, wows, and maybe a slightly louder what?!? or two. I hesitate to say this because I don’t mean Fonzi but be cool. Sometimes people say shocking things or things you disagree with or would judge if you hadn’t left your judgement in the garbage can on the sidewalk outside the building on the other side of the street. For this to be a safe place, your reactions need to be supportive (not condescending) and curious. No advising unless it is explicitly asked for. And even then, anything extensive should be saved until after story sharing to protect against it becoming over focused on one person.
If I was going to boil this down into one thing, it would be curiosity. Authentic curiosity will animate your body right, orient your emotions, eliminate judgement, and target your thinking on the story teller rather than you. The words that come out of you, even if they are awkward or misspoken, if you’re truly curious, will be heard in a way that is beneficial. Just be curious. Everything else will work itself out.
Hope, Help, and Strength, Not Sad, Shock, and Trauma
In all the stories we share, there will be sadness, shocking parts, and traumatic parts. But those are not the focus. They serve as a platform for our strength, our resilience, our anti-fragility. Our difficulties show who our community is and how we are interdependent with them. They reveal our character as we are tested and refined by our crucible. Some things do great damage and require time and active work to overcome. But we are not defined only by the bad things that happen to us and the damage they do, we are the result of the work we have done and are doing together in order to heal and grow. Nothing happens and no one grows without adversity. In sharing stories, we obviously need to include the parts where we have been wounded, broken, abused, and disappointed. Sometimes because of our own decisions or mistakes. But since we are focused on knowing ourselves and our adversity is only a part of us; and since this opportunity is not for counseling or fixing, follow the 10/90 rule. Ten percent of our story is about the trauma (if it’s a story where trauma is involved) and ninety percent is about the healing, learning, and strength that produced the changed character and their boon bestowing ability.
The Magic of Good Food and Drink and Environment
Eating is the second most intimate thing we can do with other people. It is intimate because like procreating, eating and drinking are crucial to the survival of the human race. It’s also an instinctive bodily function. There are other bodily functions we could share but, at least in my culture, we don’t. For both of these kinds of intimacies, environment matters. Twinkly lights are better than flickering fluorescents. Wood is better than drywall. Jazz or acoustic background music is better than factory or traffic noise. Comfortable chairs and beautiful furniture is better than milk crates. A campfire, a back patio, a road trip - all good. To be clear, the environment can be a multitude of styles if it matches. Some of the best storytelling I’ve experienced has happened in shops and garages around tools and motorcycle projects or on constructions sites. But these don’t work as well if the storytellers are not specifically connected to that environment. It can’t be faked.
If the connections are strong enough, then stale pretzels, lukewarm Foldgers, and folding chairs in a musty basement can be overcome. But poor environments make our bodies, hearts, and minds work to overcome our defenses and distractions. Comfortable environments rich in warmth and beauty calm us down and open us up to connect more deeply.
I repeat and expand on this recommendation at the end of this section because I think it’s far more important than we give it credit for. It’s a physical action that represents the internal shift we are trying to make. If you plan your story sharing group to happen around excellent food and beverage, it will produce a better result than if you don’t. I tell people this all the time just to see them nod absently and reserve the board room. As if to say, “that would be nice but we don’t have time for that” - or “that’s just not how we do it here.” And that gets to the central point of belonging and storytelling. We need to make time to change the way we do it because how we’ve been doing it is the problem. For all our sakes, for organizing our system, and for the relief of our anger, anxiety, and depression, if we are going to do the good work to share stories to build belonging - let’s do it with a glorious taco buffet and Cadillac Margaritas on the back porch under dangling Edison bulbs.
Articulation
After the Five Minute Life Story session and (at least) two additional sessions of story sharing, the group is ready to enter into the next phase of intentional belonging building. I call it articulation. Some groups that have known each other previously might find it feasible to start sooner. They can sift through the contents of the shared stories to find evidence for identity, details of mutual exchange, system interdependence, and potential generativity. The first two are the important ones to start with. And this is where limiting the group to six or less becomes important, though not an unbreakable law. Larger groups take more concentration, energy, and time. All of which are in short supply in our current culture. They also run the risk of emotional burdensomeness to those in the group who are not familiar, comfortable, or energized by sharing.
The goal of the articulation phase is to clearly and positively describe the core identity of each person in the group. Who are they, how do they demonstrate it in their stories and how is their essential nature of value to their community? The Enneagram is incredibly helpful for this process. So are comparisons to known people or characters from books and movies. Spend time here after the third session. Focus on each person, one at a time. Think through their stories remembering what struck you as unique and significant. What inspired emotion, thinking, or sensation as they shared. What about their perspective is different than yours? This is a discussion between the story sharers who are not the focus. Be prepared for this to start out feeling a little awkward. Each person is being examined for clues about their true nature, what they contribute, and what they need from their community to thrive. It’s awkward because it’s more intimate than we usually get in social situations. But I encourage you to persevere. This is how durable belonging is built.
Story sharing can continue as an investigative measure or just to deepen understanding and connection. It’s a lot of fun and often produces really powerful connections. Most importantly, being well and encouragingly seen has a strengthening affect on our own perception of our identity. It mutes our negative self-talk and emboldens our faith in ourselves to contribute who and what we are as it is needed. It usually feels good to share stories and experience the emotion of belonging. But that can fade quickly when we leave those safe and cozy circumstances. The voices of our group and their words need to be tattooed in our guts, hearts, and minds so we can recall them when we feel like our identity is not valued or even when it is questioned and threatened. Remembering our connectedness and our inclusion will shield us from a return to a less healthy understanding of ourselves.
After the Five Minute Life Story session and (at least) two additional sessions of story sharing, the group is ready to enter into the next phase of intentional belonging building. I call it articulation. Some groups that have known each other previously might find it feasible to start sooner. They can sift through the contents of the shared stories to find evidence for identity, details of mutual exchange, system interdependence, and potential generativity. The first two are the important ones to start with. And this is where limiting the group to six or less becomes important, though not an unbreakable law. Larger groups take more concentration, energy, and time. All of which are in short supply in our current culture. They also run the risk of emotional burdensomeness to those in the group who are not familiar, comfortable, or energized by sharing.
The goal of the articulation phase is to clearly and positively describe the core identity of each person in the group. Who are they, how do they demonstrate it in their stories and how is their essential nature of value to their community? The Enneagram is incredibly helpful for this process. So are comparisons to known people or characters from books and movies. Spend time here after the third session. Focus on each person, one at a time. Think through their stories remembering what struck you as unique and significant. What inspired emotion, thinking, or sensation as they shared. What about their perspective is different than yours? This is a discussion between the story sharers who are not the focus. Be prepared for this to start out feeling a little awkward. Each person is being examined for clues about their true nature, what they contribute, and what they need from their community to thrive. It’s awkward because it’s more intimate than we usually get in social situations. But I encourage you to persevere. This is how durable belonging is built.
Story sharing can continue as an investigative measure or just to deepen understanding and connection. It’s a lot of fun and often produces really powerful connections. Most importantly, being well and encouragingly seen has a strengthening affect on our own perception of our identity. It mutes our negative self-talk and emboldens our faith in ourselves to contribute who and what we are as it is needed. It usually feels good to share stories and experience the emotion of belonging. But that can fade quickly when we leave those safe and cozy circumstances. The voices of our group and their words need to be tattooed in our guts, hearts, and minds so we can recall them when we feel like our identity is not valued or even when it is questioned and threatened. Remembering our connectedness and our inclusion will shield us from a return to a less healthy understanding of ourselves.
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