Why share stories?
Stories are the expressed perspectives of our experiences.
We share our stories because they contain the content that reveals our identities, how we fit, what we offer, what we need from our community, and how we are generative together. When we share stories, we share life because our stories are our lives. The materials of our stories is what we use to build belonging
Every story (including the mundane stories of our every day lives) has a four significant parts:
We share our stories because they contain the content that reveals our identities, how we fit, what we offer, what we need from our community, and how we are generative together. When we share stories, we share life because our stories are our lives. The materials of our stories is what we use to build belonging
Every story (including the mundane stories of our every day lives) has a four significant parts:
- Character - in the beginning, they want to have, do, or be something for themselves.
- Community - the character is part of a human system that shapes them. There is a guide.
- Crucible - the obstacle to the character's want and adversity that calls forth strength and refines them
- Change - the independent character in the beginning is changed into a greater, truer, interdependent version of themselves by the end with a "boon" for their community.
Sharing stories
Find Your Group
Identify a small group of people who are already in your circle of influence. Ideally, these are people who meet some or all of the FASaG requirements identified in the belonging research of Beaumeister and Leary (Frequency of interaction, positive Affect, Stability, and Geographic proximity). I recommend having people in your story sharing group that you trust - or at least can tolerate without too much strain. Find the sweet spot with people you trust and see somewhat regularly. But make room for people that ruffle your feathers a bit. You’ll be good for each other.
Invite Them One-On-One
Invite them to join you in the adventure. Ideally, this is a series of one-on-one conversations rather than a group email. You can also just invite them to gather. Tell them what you are trying to accomplish and why you are inviting them to participate. Make sure they know what it costs (not money probably) and that you won’t hold it against them if they don’t join you.
Pick a Good Spot to Gather
Set up an environment so that it is comfortable, absent of interruptions and distractions, and includes good food if at all possible. You want to be able to see each others eyes and hear easily. A crowded noisy bar is not great but a back room might be. A living room or a back porch is ideal. And I’m serious about the food. It’s magic. It creates intimacy, rhythm, and an equitable sense of sharing.
Set Expectations
Start out by discussing what you want to accomplish and agreeing on standards and expectations. This isn’t a counseling session. It’s not about fixing each other, just sharing, listening, and helping articulate each other’s experience of belonging. It is often good to talk through creating a comfortable sharing environment - phones, interrupting, sarcasm, open mindedness, etc.
Practice Gratitude
Be grateful. Slow down, settle in, breath, and spend a few minutes at the beginning of each story sharing session talking about some of the things in your life that make you feel grateful. This will orient you to a more coherent state and invest life into your stories. It will also set the time apart from the rest of your busy life. It makes me think about the conversation between Aslan and the cabbie who is about to be king in C.S. Lewis’s “The Magicians Nephew.” The more the cabbie talks with Aslan and considers who he is invited to be, the slower he talks and the more full his voice gets. Gratitude can literally change your biorhythms.
Identify a small group of people who are already in your circle of influence. Ideally, these are people who meet some or all of the FASaG requirements identified in the belonging research of Beaumeister and Leary (Frequency of interaction, positive Affect, Stability, and Geographic proximity). I recommend having people in your story sharing group that you trust - or at least can tolerate without too much strain. Find the sweet spot with people you trust and see somewhat regularly. But make room for people that ruffle your feathers a bit. You’ll be good for each other.
Invite Them One-On-One
Invite them to join you in the adventure. Ideally, this is a series of one-on-one conversations rather than a group email. You can also just invite them to gather. Tell them what you are trying to accomplish and why you are inviting them to participate. Make sure they know what it costs (not money probably) and that you won’t hold it against them if they don’t join you.
Pick a Good Spot to Gather
Set up an environment so that it is comfortable, absent of interruptions and distractions, and includes good food if at all possible. You want to be able to see each others eyes and hear easily. A crowded noisy bar is not great but a back room might be. A living room or a back porch is ideal. And I’m serious about the food. It’s magic. It creates intimacy, rhythm, and an equitable sense of sharing.
Set Expectations
Start out by discussing what you want to accomplish and agreeing on standards and expectations. This isn’t a counseling session. It’s not about fixing each other, just sharing, listening, and helping articulate each other’s experience of belonging. It is often good to talk through creating a comfortable sharing environment - phones, interrupting, sarcasm, open mindedness, etc.
Practice Gratitude
Be grateful. Slow down, settle in, breath, and spend a few minutes at the beginning of each story sharing session talking about some of the things in your life that make you feel grateful. This will orient you to a more coherent state and invest life into your stories. It will also set the time apart from the rest of your busy life. It makes me think about the conversation between Aslan and the cabbie who is about to be king in C.S. Lewis’s “The Magicians Nephew.” The more the cabbie talks with Aslan and considers who he is invited to be, the slower he talks and the more full his voice gets. Gratitude can literally change your biorhythms.
five minute life stories
At your first session, start with Five Minute Life Stories (FMLS). Each person gets five minutes to answer ten prompts. You can skip any that you are uncomfortable with and there is no requirement to share anything you don’t want to share. Go deep or stay near the surface. Keep in mind that if you are leading, however you share will set the tone. Here are those prompts:
Let whoever is most comfortable start sharing first. Someone will be (most comfortable). Someone will (probably) volunteer to be the timer. If you are the third person, be careful not to go long. This is an unusual environment. You are being listened to and probably heard more clearly than usual. No one is competing to tell a better story or judging yours. Curiosity is thicker in the air than normal. Now that I’ve warned you, it probably won’t happen but I can’t tell you how many times, if unwarned, the third story sharer goes thirty minutes without realizing it. Let the first two sharers go again. They will have hurried and forgotten things they will be reminded of as they listen to other stories. Give anyone else this happened to a chance to fill things in.
At the end of a Five Minute Life Story, the group responds with gratitude. It helps if the story sharer says something to indicate they are done sharing. Nothing complicated - “I’m done,” or “that’s all I have” works fine. Those who are listening thank the story sharer, everyone takes a collective breath to be grateful and let the story settle. After this pause the next person starts sharing their Five Minute Life Story.
Story Responses
There are four different levels of response to choose from after someone has shared a story. Gratitude, Curiosity, Articulation, and Generativity. The Gratitude phase is what was just described as the response to a FMLS. The other three will be described in greater detail coming up. Here is a brief explanation:
Round Two, Three, and So On
For the rest of the rounds of story sharing, there are a couple options. The first is to pick one of the common subjects that came up during five minute life stories and give each person a chance to share a five minute story about that. Maybe you all really got into sharing about the food your family ate when you were kids. If that was the case, you could share stories about a special meal preparation or a family recipe. If you are a group with people who are all in the same job, grad program, cause, or hobby, you could share stories about what drew you into that shared interest or experiences you have had pursuing it. Whatever you found in common. Keep in mind that if not everyone shared that commonality, the story prompt needs to be broad enough to include everyone or allow for an alternate and somehow connected story.
The second option is more Five Minute stories based on the last five prompts from the Five Minute Life Story. The idea of five minutes may be loosely held at this point. However, it does alleviate pressure because it’s a constrained time period and it also helps prevent interruption and judgment. The time boundary creates a container that holds the story and protects it from getting thinned out from too much expansion or picked over from too much access. Discuss the benefits of the five minutes and then let the group decide. Here are some prompts taken and expanded from the FMLS.
More Five Minute Story Prompts
Sharing stories can be really fun, deeply satisfying, and scary. If a group is going to be intentional about building belonging, it will require trust from both share-ers and listeners. Building the trust required to be honest and vulnerable takes time and practice. For this reason, I recommend a gradual increase in how listeners respond to stories. After the first story sharing session that focuses on a single prompt (not the FMLS), the group can enter into the curiosity response phase. This is where curious and clarifying questions are asked. Sometimes these will focus on observations about similar experiences. Discuss it as a group after everyone has shared, and if you are ready, ask curious questions (not concerned ones) and get that dopamine hit that comes when you find out that someone else grew up in your town or watched the towers come down while they were getting their kid ready for the first day of kindergarten just like you did. That is connection! These things are deeply satisfying to learn about in more detail and it will build stronger connections within the group. Google together what was going on in the world the decade you were born if you didn’t know. Some of those commonalities could be the subject for the next round of story sharing.
Articulation
Articulation is the third response phase. For some groups, usually those who come to story-sharing with previous relationships and established trust, this phase might begin right away. Some groups take more story-sharing to get to this phase. BUT, it is essential for authentic connection, healing, the evolution of courageous sharing, and eventual impact, to avoid the assumption that everyone is ready for the same kind of response. Be attentive to the reality of how trust is evolving in your group for each individual. Even when everyone in the group has moved all the way to the deepest level of response, some story-sharers might need to return to an earlier response level for a particular story. Even if temporary, making space for this autonomy is vital. This is a natural part of the organic way relationships develop. I might be more than happy to have all different kinds of input on a story that doesn't make me feel too vulnerable and want only gratitude on the next one because sharing it shakes me to the core. I'll still share it if I can trust the group to hold it for me until I'm ready. But if I have to get deep input every time, I'll hold back stories that might be helpful for me to share.
Here are three documents I use during the articulation process. The first is a list of character descriptors. The second is a list of famous characters from books, movies and television. The third is a map of the Enneagram. Each person in your story-sharing group has a unique, essential identity. It is not what they do, what they have, or what other people think about them. It is more central than race, ethnicity, religion, gender, political stance, or socio-economic status. It is true about them when they are happy, angry, thoughtful, worried, content, or sad. The challenge for the group is to describe that essential identity as accurately as possible. Give it really good words (notice that "nice" is not on the list). Creativity matters here in a way that suggests a real kind of inventiveness. Make up new words, combine them, twist and adapt words and metaphors until they fit. Those words make belonging resilient and durable when circumstances change from sitting around with a pizza in a cozy living room to the battle field of life where the other characters don't know or value you. Each identity comes with an output that is the natural contribution to community. It also comes with inputs. We might refer to the output as that person's superpower. The inputs are the resources that person needs from their community in order to thrive and offer their superpower in the most super way possible.
This is serious work. Not much has impact that is more important. The goal of the articulation phase is to clearly and positively describe the core identity of each person in the group. Who are they, how is their identity demonstrated in their stories and how is their essential nature of value to their community? Focus on each person, one at a time. Think through their stories, remembering what struck you as unique and significant. What inspired emotion, thinking, or sensation as they shared? What about their perspective is different than yours? Taking notes to prepare for this is helpful for some people. This is a discussion between story sharers. It can include the person who is being discussed. Be prepared for this to start out feeling a little awkward - maybe a lot. Each person is being examined for clues about their true nature, what they contribute, and what they need from their community to thrive. It’s awkward because it’s more intimate than we usually get in social situations. It is also awkward because when you are truly seen, you are accountable for your brightness. Sometimes people who are willing to share deeply vulnerable stories get squirmy when their friends start talking about how amazing they are. But persevere, this is how durable belonging is built.
While that awkwardness may be nothing more than an indication of fiddling with cultural norms, it can also indicate a need for more trust. Trust can develop organically but there's no damage done by addressing it directly. I might start out a story by saying to the group or even to a specific person in the group, "I'm going to share a story about something I think you might disagree with and I'd appreciate it if you would trust that I don't need fixing. Can you please do that?" In addition to deciding collectively where we are at with response levels, we might talk through and make decisions about how we handle differences, what sorts of things we are triggered by, and what topics might be too hot for now. Actively pursue growing trust through clear ongoing communication about what kind of behavior is going to be most generative.
Story sharing can continue far beyond five minute stories. It is an investigative measure and it helps deepen understanding and connection. It’s a lot of fun and often produces really powerful connections. Most importantly, being seen clearly and encouragingly has a strengthening affect on our own perception of our identity. It mutes our negative self-talk and emboldens our faith in ourselves to contribute who and what we are as it is needed. It usually feels good to share stories and experience the emotion of belonging. But that can fade quickly when we leave those safe and friendly circumstances. The voices of our group and their words need to be tattooed in our guts, hearts, and minds so we can recall them when we feel like our identity is not valued or even when it is questioned and threatened. Remembering our connectedness and our inclusion will shield us from a return to a less healthy understanding of ourselves.
Listen Well
During story-sharing, if you’re not talking, and only one person should be, you are just listening. With your body (open posture, facing storyteller), your head (nods and tilts) face (smiles, grimaces, jaw drops and light-ups), eyes (squints, wides, eyebrow raises, and maybe some tears), ears (unless you can wiggle them, they should do their thing without any movement) and some small, quiet hums, ahs, wows, and maybe a slightly louder what?!? or two. I hesitate to say this because I don’t mean Fonzi but be cool. Sometimes people say shocking things or things you disagree with or would judge if you hadn’t left your judgement in the garbage can on the sidewalk outside the building on the other side of the street. For this to be a safe place, your reactions need to be supportive (not condescending) and curious. No advising unless it is explicitly asked for. And even then, anything extensive should be saved until after everyone has had their turn to protect against becoming over focused on one person.
If I was going to boil the listening stance down into one thing, it would be curiosity. Authentic curiosity will animate your body right, orient your emotions, eliminate judgement, and target your thinking on the story teller rather than you. The words that come out of you, even if they are awkward or misspoken, if you’re truly curious, will be heard in a way that is beneficial. Just be curious. Everything else will work itself out.
- Where and when did your story begin (birth)? What were the news headlines during that decade?
- What is or was the geography and weather like where you have lived so far? Has the setting of your story been mostly urban, suburban, or rural?
- What is or was unique or memorable about other characters in your story (your family, schooling, and friend group)?Describe your culture, race, and/or ethnicity. Are there foods or traditions that are unique or special in your story?
- How do you spend your time (favorite subjects, hobbies, sports, chores, work, causes, etc)?
- What is a well remembered book, movie, or story? What characters do you like and why?
- What were the main events and/or relationships of your story that were a positive influence on the character you are now?
- What do you want?
- What’s your unique capacity (superpower)? What do you have to offer to the world?
- What do you need from your community to make your unique capacity most useful?
Let whoever is most comfortable start sharing first. Someone will be (most comfortable). Someone will (probably) volunteer to be the timer. If you are the third person, be careful not to go long. This is an unusual environment. You are being listened to and probably heard more clearly than usual. No one is competing to tell a better story or judging yours. Curiosity is thicker in the air than normal. Now that I’ve warned you, it probably won’t happen but I can’t tell you how many times, if unwarned, the third story sharer goes thirty minutes without realizing it. Let the first two sharers go again. They will have hurried and forgotten things they will be reminded of as they listen to other stories. Give anyone else this happened to a chance to fill things in.
At the end of a Five Minute Life Story, the group responds with gratitude. It helps if the story sharer says something to indicate they are done sharing. Nothing complicated - “I’m done,” or “that’s all I have” works fine. Those who are listening thank the story sharer, everyone takes a collective breath to be grateful and let the story settle. After this pause the next person starts sharing their Five Minute Life Story.
Story Responses
There are four different levels of response to choose from after someone has shared a story. Gratitude, Curiosity, Articulation, and Generativity. The Gratitude phase is what was just described as the response to a FMLS. The other three will be described in greater detail coming up. Here is a brief explanation:
- Gratitude - receive the story and express gratitude
- Curiosity - curious and clarifying questions as well as observations without implied meaning making
- Articulation - identification of characteristics, outputs, and inputs
- Generosity - work on the shared purpose of the group
Round Two, Three, and So On
For the rest of the rounds of story sharing, there are a couple options. The first is to pick one of the common subjects that came up during five minute life stories and give each person a chance to share a five minute story about that. Maybe you all really got into sharing about the food your family ate when you were kids. If that was the case, you could share stories about a special meal preparation or a family recipe. If you are a group with people who are all in the same job, grad program, cause, or hobby, you could share stories about what drew you into that shared interest or experiences you have had pursuing it. Whatever you found in common. Keep in mind that if not everyone shared that commonality, the story prompt needs to be broad enough to include everyone or allow for an alternate and somehow connected story.
The second option is more Five Minute stories based on the last five prompts from the Five Minute Life Story. The idea of five minutes may be loosely held at this point. However, it does alleviate pressure because it’s a constrained time period and it also helps prevent interruption and judgment. The time boundary creates a container that holds the story and protects it from getting thinned out from too much expansion or picked over from too much access. Discuss the benefits of the five minutes and then let the group decide. Here are some prompts taken and expanded from the FMLS.
More Five Minute Story Prompts
- Five Minute Book or Movie Story: what is a book or movie that really captivates you? What characters in the story do you relate to or like and why? What are the lines you quote?
- Five Minute Key Events Story: share a story about an event in your life that shaped your identity as the character in your story.
- Five Minute Key Relationships Story: share a story about a relationship(s) in your life that shaped your identity as the character in your story. This could be about a family member, a friend, a teacher, mentor, or guide. It may even be a story about someone you had a relationship with that was difficult.
- Five Minute Wisdom Story: Share a story about an experience where you received perspective shaping wisdom from someone or some event.
- Five Minute Group Story: Share a story about a group you were a part of that shaped your identity as the character of your story.
- Five Minute What You Want Story: Share a story that illustrates what you want to have, do, or be and why or how important it is to you.
- Five Minute Output Stories These kinds of stories help reveal the "output" of your identity.
- Share a story that illustrates how your superpower shows up in your story. This might be a story about when you discovered it or one about you offering your superpower to your community. Everyone has a superpower, though we often miss it or under-appreciate it in ourselves. It is what you provide for your community that is unique to your identity.
- Share a story about a time when you felt known and needed by your community.
- Share a story about a time when you were part of a shared, generative mission.
- Five Minute Input Stories - These kinds of stories help reveal the "input" your identity needs from your community.
- What You Need Story: Share a story that illustrates what you need from your community in order to make your superpower as powerful as it can be. Keep in mind, this is not about a weakness, it is about how the puzzle piece of you, fits with the other puzzle pieces that make up your community. Need ≠ Weakness.
- Share a story about a time when you felt known and generously cared for by your community.
- Share a story about a time when you realized your "weakness" was just someone else's strength - and maybe their "weakness" was where your strength showed up
Sharing stories can be really fun, deeply satisfying, and scary. If a group is going to be intentional about building belonging, it will require trust from both share-ers and listeners. Building the trust required to be honest and vulnerable takes time and practice. For this reason, I recommend a gradual increase in how listeners respond to stories. After the first story sharing session that focuses on a single prompt (not the FMLS), the group can enter into the curiosity response phase. This is where curious and clarifying questions are asked. Sometimes these will focus on observations about similar experiences. Discuss it as a group after everyone has shared, and if you are ready, ask curious questions (not concerned ones) and get that dopamine hit that comes when you find out that someone else grew up in your town or watched the towers come down while they were getting their kid ready for the first day of kindergarten just like you did. That is connection! These things are deeply satisfying to learn about in more detail and it will build stronger connections within the group. Google together what was going on in the world the decade you were born if you didn’t know. Some of those commonalities could be the subject for the next round of story sharing.
Articulation
Articulation is the third response phase. For some groups, usually those who come to story-sharing with previous relationships and established trust, this phase might begin right away. Some groups take more story-sharing to get to this phase. BUT, it is essential for authentic connection, healing, the evolution of courageous sharing, and eventual impact, to avoid the assumption that everyone is ready for the same kind of response. Be attentive to the reality of how trust is evolving in your group for each individual. Even when everyone in the group has moved all the way to the deepest level of response, some story-sharers might need to return to an earlier response level for a particular story. Even if temporary, making space for this autonomy is vital. This is a natural part of the organic way relationships develop. I might be more than happy to have all different kinds of input on a story that doesn't make me feel too vulnerable and want only gratitude on the next one because sharing it shakes me to the core. I'll still share it if I can trust the group to hold it for me until I'm ready. But if I have to get deep input every time, I'll hold back stories that might be helpful for me to share.
Here are three documents I use during the articulation process. The first is a list of character descriptors. The second is a list of famous characters from books, movies and television. The third is a map of the Enneagram. Each person in your story-sharing group has a unique, essential identity. It is not what they do, what they have, or what other people think about them. It is more central than race, ethnicity, religion, gender, political stance, or socio-economic status. It is true about them when they are happy, angry, thoughtful, worried, content, or sad. The challenge for the group is to describe that essential identity as accurately as possible. Give it really good words (notice that "nice" is not on the list). Creativity matters here in a way that suggests a real kind of inventiveness. Make up new words, combine them, twist and adapt words and metaphors until they fit. Those words make belonging resilient and durable when circumstances change from sitting around with a pizza in a cozy living room to the battle field of life where the other characters don't know or value you. Each identity comes with an output that is the natural contribution to community. It also comes with inputs. We might refer to the output as that person's superpower. The inputs are the resources that person needs from their community in order to thrive and offer their superpower in the most super way possible.
This is serious work. Not much has impact that is more important. The goal of the articulation phase is to clearly and positively describe the core identity of each person in the group. Who are they, how is their identity demonstrated in their stories and how is their essential nature of value to their community? Focus on each person, one at a time. Think through their stories, remembering what struck you as unique and significant. What inspired emotion, thinking, or sensation as they shared? What about their perspective is different than yours? Taking notes to prepare for this is helpful for some people. This is a discussion between story sharers. It can include the person who is being discussed. Be prepared for this to start out feeling a little awkward - maybe a lot. Each person is being examined for clues about their true nature, what they contribute, and what they need from their community to thrive. It’s awkward because it’s more intimate than we usually get in social situations. It is also awkward because when you are truly seen, you are accountable for your brightness. Sometimes people who are willing to share deeply vulnerable stories get squirmy when their friends start talking about how amazing they are. But persevere, this is how durable belonging is built.
While that awkwardness may be nothing more than an indication of fiddling with cultural norms, it can also indicate a need for more trust. Trust can develop organically but there's no damage done by addressing it directly. I might start out a story by saying to the group or even to a specific person in the group, "I'm going to share a story about something I think you might disagree with and I'd appreciate it if you would trust that I don't need fixing. Can you please do that?" In addition to deciding collectively where we are at with response levels, we might talk through and make decisions about how we handle differences, what sorts of things we are triggered by, and what topics might be too hot for now. Actively pursue growing trust through clear ongoing communication about what kind of behavior is going to be most generative.
Story sharing can continue far beyond five minute stories. It is an investigative measure and it helps deepen understanding and connection. It’s a lot of fun and often produces really powerful connections. Most importantly, being seen clearly and encouragingly has a strengthening affect on our own perception of our identity. It mutes our negative self-talk and emboldens our faith in ourselves to contribute who and what we are as it is needed. It usually feels good to share stories and experience the emotion of belonging. But that can fade quickly when we leave those safe and friendly circumstances. The voices of our group and their words need to be tattooed in our guts, hearts, and minds so we can recall them when we feel like our identity is not valued or even when it is questioned and threatened. Remembering our connectedness and our inclusion will shield us from a return to a less healthy understanding of ourselves.
Listen Well
During story-sharing, if you’re not talking, and only one person should be, you are just listening. With your body (open posture, facing storyteller), your head (nods and tilts) face (smiles, grimaces, jaw drops and light-ups), eyes (squints, wides, eyebrow raises, and maybe some tears), ears (unless you can wiggle them, they should do their thing without any movement) and some small, quiet hums, ahs, wows, and maybe a slightly louder what?!? or two. I hesitate to say this because I don’t mean Fonzi but be cool. Sometimes people say shocking things or things you disagree with or would judge if you hadn’t left your judgement in the garbage can on the sidewalk outside the building on the other side of the street. For this to be a safe place, your reactions need to be supportive (not condescending) and curious. No advising unless it is explicitly asked for. And even then, anything extensive should be saved until after everyone has had their turn to protect against becoming over focused on one person.
If I was going to boil the listening stance down into one thing, it would be curiosity. Authentic curiosity will animate your body right, orient your emotions, eliminate judgement, and target your thinking on the story teller rather than you. The words that come out of you, even if they are awkward or misspoken, if you’re truly curious, will be heard in a way that is beneficial. Just be curious. Everything else will work itself out.
Generativity
This is the culminating and ongoing level of story-sharing response. It's also the goal of a group that gathered to build belonging. It means that belonging is structurally accomplished for the members of the group and can be spread as a contagious element in the system it is a part of. Generativity starts after articulation begins producing clear descriptions of each individual character in the group. Once these identities begin to show up or get clear, they will each reveal unique capacities, passions, connections, and resources. Putting these together like puzzle pieces produces a new entity. The connections between each of the people (for a group of six, there are twelve) are newly created or growing things with their own identities that are all merging together. It's very magical.
The group itself has an identity that is embedded in the larger system in much the same way as the individual fits into the group. It will have an output and it will have need for input of resources from the system. Once a group really gels by fitting together according to their identities, the group identity will be recognizable and describable just like each of their individual identities. You may be able to do this with your parents or your extended family or a group of friends or the family next door or the group who works in the accounting department. They have a "personality." They are a certain way and you expect them to act and react accordingly. Generativity asks and answers the question, "what does this group want and what does it do?" Articulation together with generativity is what makes belonging stable.
It also leads everyone involved into more crucibles. As the group of individuals that has become a collective begins taking action, their identities will be revealed, tested, and refined by the obstacles they encounter being generative. The group and the individuals grow stronger as a structure by strengthening their individual identities, the connections between them through which their outputs and inputs flow, and the identity of the group. It should obviously not be assumed that entering into generativity always produces good results. Doing so is a recognition that things outside the group need to be changed and the group is a change agent. Things that need to be changed generally resist it. Sometimes in ways that are violent, ugly, mean, manipulative, and depressing. Generativity is dangerous. That's why it's so nice to tell stories for entertainment while we sit around a table filled with yummy food under twinkly lights on a warm night. But if belonging doesn't work in dangerous environments and against resistant forces, then it is a weak structure with weak connections. That's not what we want. So generativity is our goal and maintaining our belonging - protecting and encouraging each other along the way - is our task. It will get discouraging. It will be difficult. That's why our culture is lacking in belonging. Let's make some!
This is the culminating and ongoing level of story-sharing response. It's also the goal of a group that gathered to build belonging. It means that belonging is structurally accomplished for the members of the group and can be spread as a contagious element in the system it is a part of. Generativity starts after articulation begins producing clear descriptions of each individual character in the group. Once these identities begin to show up or get clear, they will each reveal unique capacities, passions, connections, and resources. Putting these together like puzzle pieces produces a new entity. The connections between each of the people (for a group of six, there are twelve) are newly created or growing things with their own identities that are all merging together. It's very magical.
The group itself has an identity that is embedded in the larger system in much the same way as the individual fits into the group. It will have an output and it will have need for input of resources from the system. Once a group really gels by fitting together according to their identities, the group identity will be recognizable and describable just like each of their individual identities. You may be able to do this with your parents or your extended family or a group of friends or the family next door or the group who works in the accounting department. They have a "personality." They are a certain way and you expect them to act and react accordingly. Generativity asks and answers the question, "what does this group want and what does it do?" Articulation together with generativity is what makes belonging stable.
It also leads everyone involved into more crucibles. As the group of individuals that has become a collective begins taking action, their identities will be revealed, tested, and refined by the obstacles they encounter being generative. The group and the individuals grow stronger as a structure by strengthening their individual identities, the connections between them through which their outputs and inputs flow, and the identity of the group. It should obviously not be assumed that entering into generativity always produces good results. Doing so is a recognition that things outside the group need to be changed and the group is a change agent. Things that need to be changed generally resist it. Sometimes in ways that are violent, ugly, mean, manipulative, and depressing. Generativity is dangerous. That's why it's so nice to tell stories for entertainment while we sit around a table filled with yummy food under twinkly lights on a warm night. But if belonging doesn't work in dangerous environments and against resistant forces, then it is a weak structure with weak connections. That's not what we want. So generativity is our goal and maintaining our belonging - protecting and encouraging each other along the way - is our task. It will get discouraging. It will be difficult. That's why our culture is lacking in belonging. Let's make some!
Hope, Help, and Strength, Not Sad, Shock, and Trauma
In all the stories we share, there will be sadness, shocking parts, and traumatic parts. But those are not the focus. They serve as a platform for our strength, our resilience, our anti-fragility. Our difficulties show who our community is and how we are interdependent with them. They reveal our character as we are tested and refined by our crucible. Some things do great damage and require time and active work to overcome. But we are not defined only by the bad things that happen to us and the damage they do, we are the result of the work we have done and are doing together in order to heal and grow. Nothing happens and no one grows without adversity. In sharing stories, we obviously need to include the parts where we have been wounded, broken, abused, and disappointed. Sometimes because of our own decisions or mistakes. But since we are focused on knowing ourselves and our adversity is only a part of us; and since this opportunity is not for counseling or fixing, follow the 10/90 rule. Ten percent of our story is about the trauma (if it’s a story where trauma is involved) and ninety percent is about the healing, learning, and strength that produced the changed character and their boon bestowing ability.
In all the stories we share, there will be sadness, shocking parts, and traumatic parts. But those are not the focus. They serve as a platform for our strength, our resilience, our anti-fragility. Our difficulties show who our community is and how we are interdependent with them. They reveal our character as we are tested and refined by our crucible. Some things do great damage and require time and active work to overcome. But we are not defined only by the bad things that happen to us and the damage they do, we are the result of the work we have done and are doing together in order to heal and grow. Nothing happens and no one grows without adversity. In sharing stories, we obviously need to include the parts where we have been wounded, broken, abused, and disappointed. Sometimes because of our own decisions or mistakes. But since we are focused on knowing ourselves and our adversity is only a part of us; and since this opportunity is not for counseling or fixing, follow the 10/90 rule. Ten percent of our story is about the trauma (if it’s a story where trauma is involved) and ninety percent is about the healing, learning, and strength that produced the changed character and their boon bestowing ability.
The Magic of Good Food and Drink and Environment
Eating is the second most intimate thing we can do with other people. It is intimate because like procreating, eating and drinking are crucial to the survival of the human race. It’s also an instinctive bodily function. There are other bodily functions we could share but, at least in my culture, we don’t. For both of these kinds of intimacies, environment matters. Twinkly lights are better than flickering fluorescents. Wood is better than drywall. Jazz or acoustic background music is better than factory or traffic noise. Comfortable chairs and beautiful furniture is better than milk crates. A campfire, a back patio, a road trip - all good. To be clear, the environment can be a multitude of styles if it matches. Some of the best storytelling I’ve experienced has happened in shops and garages around tools and motorcycle projects or on tailgates at constructions sites. But these don’t work as well if the storytellers are not specifically connected to that environment. It can’t be faked.
If the connections are strong enough, then stale pretzels, lukewarm Foldgers, and folding chairs in a musty basement can be overcome. But poor environments make our bodies, hearts, and minds work to overcome our defenses and distractions. Comfortable environments rich in warmth and beauty calm us down and open us up to connect more deeply.
I repeat and expand on this recommendation at the end of this section because I think it’s far more important than we give it credit for. It’s a physical action that represents the internal shift we are trying to make. If you plan your story sharing group to happen around excellent food and beverage, it will produce a better result than if you don’t. I tell people this all the time just to see them nod absently and reserve the damn board room. As if to say, “that would be nice but we don’t have time for that” - or “that’s just not how we do it here.” And that gets to the central point of sharing stories intentionally to craft belonging. We need to make time and space to change the way we do it because how we’ve been doing it is the problem. For all our sakes, for organizing our system, and for the relief of our anger, anxiety, and depression, if we are going to do the good work to share stories to build belonging - let’s do it with a glorious taco buffet and Cadillac Margaritas on the back porch under dangling Edison bulbs.
Eating is the second most intimate thing we can do with other people. It is intimate because like procreating, eating and drinking are crucial to the survival of the human race. It’s also an instinctive bodily function. There are other bodily functions we could share but, at least in my culture, we don’t. For both of these kinds of intimacies, environment matters. Twinkly lights are better than flickering fluorescents. Wood is better than drywall. Jazz or acoustic background music is better than factory or traffic noise. Comfortable chairs and beautiful furniture is better than milk crates. A campfire, a back patio, a road trip - all good. To be clear, the environment can be a multitude of styles if it matches. Some of the best storytelling I’ve experienced has happened in shops and garages around tools and motorcycle projects or on tailgates at constructions sites. But these don’t work as well if the storytellers are not specifically connected to that environment. It can’t be faked.
If the connections are strong enough, then stale pretzels, lukewarm Foldgers, and folding chairs in a musty basement can be overcome. But poor environments make our bodies, hearts, and minds work to overcome our defenses and distractions. Comfortable environments rich in warmth and beauty calm us down and open us up to connect more deeply.
I repeat and expand on this recommendation at the end of this section because I think it’s far more important than we give it credit for. It’s a physical action that represents the internal shift we are trying to make. If you plan your story sharing group to happen around excellent food and beverage, it will produce a better result than if you don’t. I tell people this all the time just to see them nod absently and reserve the damn board room. As if to say, “that would be nice but we don’t have time for that” - or “that’s just not how we do it here.” And that gets to the central point of sharing stories intentionally to craft belonging. We need to make time and space to change the way we do it because how we’ve been doing it is the problem. For all our sakes, for organizing our system, and for the relief of our anger, anxiety, and depression, if we are going to do the good work to share stories to build belonging - let’s do it with a glorious taco buffet and Cadillac Margaritas on the back porch under dangling Edison bulbs.
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