what's normal after the honeymoon?

Building a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship takes longer than a chirpy episode of “Friends.” One report says It takes somewhere around 200 hours. It also takes a bit of emotional/mental muscle work. That’s why there’s a season in relationships called the honeymoon phase. This season ends when the awareness of how much time and work is needed sets in. And the realization that either you or this other person (or both) may be comparable to the hind end of a donkey. It’s not just for newly married couples. It’s also true for friendships, family relationships, neighbors, and work associates.

Building a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship takes longer than a chirpy episode of “Friends.” One report says It takes somewhere around 200 hours. It also takes a bit of emotional/mental muscle work. That’s why there’s a season in relationships called the honeymoon phase. This season ends when the awareness of how much time and work is needed sets in. And the realization that either you or this other person (or both) may be comparable to the hind end of a donkey. It’s not just for newly married couples. It’s also true for friendships, family relationships, neighbors, and work associates.
​It’s also true for coalitions, committees and initiatives. Over the years, I’ve seen many groups begin with a sense of urgency and excitement. They generate enthusiastic volunteers and lots of ideas. After awhile, the enthusiasm fades, less people show up to meetings and the ideas fizzle. Sometimes this leaves behind the bitter taste of cynicism.
Even though much of what we are responding to as Caring Adults feels like a crisis - we can’t only respond to the crisis we see. We don’t have the manpower and crisis response doesn’t solve the problem. We need to go upstream, find the source and change our ecology. We’ve done the research and we know that our prevention focus needs to be on the underlying cultural cause - relational isolation. Our kids, as a result of our cultural norms, feel lonely and struggle to find meaning in their lives.
This focus isn’t about meetings or events. Those are great for brainstorming, generating energy and administration, but we need relationship. We need relationship with each other. Our kids are not different than us. We can offer them connectedness only if we invest in it ourselves. The excitement and energy come and go but our relationships are the long term strategy. This mission is the “normal” after the honeymoon. It doesn’t mean we can’t stay excited, it just means we get to go deeper and invite others to share:
CONNECTED COMMUNITY
This goal is well within our grasp. However, it requires personal action by more than just the usual suspects. Based on the science behind social network theory, This effort needs participation by a diverse representation of our population. We can’t call ourselves a connected community and we won’t feel like one if we are dependent on the city council, school board and a few hard working nonprofits. Each of us is critically needed.
The effort to connect relationally happens over home-made lasagne, drinking beers on porches, leaning on  shovels in yards, and over the leftover crumbs and cold coffee in coffee shops after it got real. It happens on the sidelines of soccer, football and baseball games, at dance practice, at work, and in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. It happens online (we’ll talk more about that later).
It happens when we decide to make it normal. And that’s the goal. A new normal. A normal in which it isn’t strange to slow down and have a conversation that doesn’t end in a deal. A normal where noticing someone who seems down generates a response of active compassion. A normal where loneliness is on the run with anxiety, depression and suicide.
Making a new normal requires the reduction of some old normals. We can’t continue with current behavior and current paradigms and just add new norms. We are replacing the old and broken with the new and improved.
We’ll need to slow down. We’ll need to invite and challenge those who are uninvolved. We’ll need to schedule longer coffee and lunch dates. Talk to the neighbors. Maybe reduce our Netflix or Facebook intake to make room.
The benefits far outweigh the costs. You get better friendships. You meet the coolest people you’ve ever met. You’ll be liked (not just on Facebook), needed, and maybe get some food out of it. It’s a sacrifice that gets us what we desperately want and affords us the capacity to pass it on to our younger generation.

The honeymoon may be over, but the fire is still burning!